The B-Roll #23: Don't call it a comeback

Hey buttercup,

Today is the first day I turned on my personal laptop in months. I’m sure you’re wondering why that’s significant. Well, for one, it means that I’m writing to you for the first time in over a year.

“But Berrak, couldn’t you have done that on your work computer?”

Technically, yes. And I’m sure that I will in the future but for this letter? The one that’s a comeback of sorts? Mentally, I needed to be in my own space.

Have you forgotten what a weirdo I am? (And for those of you who are new here, welcome!)

I’ve been thinking a lot about time and expectations.

My cat turned 10 in September. December was the 28th anniversary of my move to the US, the 11th of my move to Seattle. Last week, my dad got on a one-way flight back to Türkiye after 28 years to finally retire and rest. It’s been 3 years since I got my bipolar 2 diagnosis and 3 months since I added an ADHD diagnosis on top of that one. jazz hands

It’s been 45 minutes since I began writing this letter to you and look how far I’ve gotten.

Tick-tock

We’re expected to define our lives by the milestones and expectations society sets out for us before we’re even born. For some reason, every January is supposed to be a “new beginning” as if the clock striking midnight on January 1st wraps up the previous year in a pretty package, and we’re healed enough to take on the challenges of the new year. Birthdays are the worst because I’m turning 39 in 2 months and that means I’m close to entering a new decade in my life, and that feels like added pressure.

“What have you accomplished in a decade?” I don’t know, I fucking survived? Give me a gold star and a bottle of expensive champagne and let me just focus on my life one day at a time.

The only deadlines I care about are the ones that matter for my job (because ya know, money). If I get back to public speaking again, I’ll care about the deadlines for those applications.

I don’t want to care about big milestones because then we forget about celebrating the everyday moments.

The ones that really matter.

Like waking up on my best friends’ couch this morning with their dog cuddling on my chest because I fell asleep while we were watching TV, and it felt completely normal.

Or getting through a workout after telling my trainer to “fuck me up”

Or every single time I’m on the ferry in Istanbul, or watching my favorite kiddo score a goal in hockey, or laughing at a really stupid video with my friends, or getting a “this made me think of you” text from someone in my life and it’s a video of penguins.

Every one of those moments matter, and those are the milestones I want to define my life.

Tick-tock

It’s been an hour since I began writing this.

I’m on my second cup of tea.

The sun is starting to set.

I’m starting to feel like myself after a very long year of feeling like a shadow.

There’s still a lot of hours left in the day but hitting “send” on this letter will be today’s milestone.

How are you defining your life these days?

LANGUAGE CORNER: It's all relative.

I remember the first time someone looked at me like I had 2 heads because I said “uncle-in-law” BECAUSE YOU ALL DON’T HAVE A WORD FOR IT IN ENGLISH. So, in Turkish, we have a different word for basically every kind of relation you can imagine, including different terms for the maternal and paternal side of the family.

Here’s a sampling (I should put up a full list on my blog at some point)

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Thanks for reading this far, friend. As with everything in life, this is a continuous work-in-progress and you can always hit "Reply" to give me feedback, commentary, or your thoughts on the topic of the letter.

Until next time, I wish you a sane and healthy week.